To Date Or Not To Date…That Is The Question

Summary:  Couples who continue their habit of dating, even long after the wedding is over, find that their level of marital satisfaction increases. It’s a proven way to strengthen, enhance and even help restore your marriage. Read on to find out how and why dating your spouse is so powerful…

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When we were young and just getting to know each other, we made time in our schedules for regular dates. Sometimes we would go out for dinner to a nice restaurant, a no-jeans-allowed kind of place. Or, if money was tight as it often was, we’d go out for ice cream, a walk in the park or just a drive through the countryside together. Drive-in movies were popular summertime fun when we were dating (and now we’re dating ourselves…if you catch our drift!!); in fact, our very first date was to a drive-in movie. Neither of us can remember the movie we saw, but we certainly remember that first date because it was the beginning of a romance that has lasted four and a half decades.

After being married for a few years, it’s easy to let busyness with jobs, kids and household responsibilities take precedence and to forget about dating. The result is a relationship that grows distant and becomes almost more like a business arrangement than a marriage. You may even find yourselves with separate groups of friends which certainly doesn't lend itself to couple activities. In effect, you’re living separate lives even though you share a house.

And that is certainly not the way married life should be lived. We should be drawing closer to each other as the years pass, not getting more distant. We should be loving and appreciating each other in various new ways as we age, not taking each other for granted. Our marriage should be stronger and more resilient with each anniversary, not settling into a living-more-like-roommates arrangement.

We sometimes hear of couples who have been married many years, have raised their children and now have grandchildren. Once retirement settles in upon them, they look up one morning from their bowl of Cheerios and realize that they don’t even know each other any more. Relationship drift set in years ago and now they’ve drifted so far from each other that they have nothing in common, nothing that binds them together in any essential way.

And this is the point where, for wives especially, they may decide that life has more to offer outside of their marriage. They are looking for companionship, friendship, fun and enjoyment. Not a list of chores and a distant housemate - do the laundry, clean the bathroom, make dinner, sleep in separate rooms. Get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

So is dating the magic formula to solve all marriage difficulties? No. But it certainly sets up an atmosphere in which marriage difficulties can be overcome and companionship can blossom into something deeper and more meaningful. A couple who continues to date each other throughout the years of their marriage has a powerful ally on their side and is much more likely to be able to handle problems when they arise, much more likely to be able to withstand the inevitable ups and downs of life.

And this is so because dating helps keep your relationship fresh. It injects some fun in what could otherwise become mundane, boring and distant. You enjoyed dating each other when you were….well…dating! So why did you stop? Where does it say that all dating must cease once the wedding is over? Who said that dates are only for those couples who are getting to know each other? Why can’t you have fun together on a date even though you’ve been married for years, maybe even decades?

We’d like to suggest having a conversation about dating. Decide on some places you’d like to go, some things you’d like to do. Maybe as you plan these activities you can put the dates on your calendar. Carve out couple time to do whatever you would enjoy. And share the planning. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Maybe he loves football. Why not go to a game together? Even spouses who don’t understand the game or who might say they’re not sports lovers, can learn to enjoy the experience of doing something their partner enjoys.
• Take a drive in the country to enjoy the beautiful fall colours and stop along the way for lunch when you find an interesting little restaurant or cafe you’ve never been in before. No fast food allowed on this one!!
• Play a game of golf. Never played before? Find an executive course and rent some clubs for an afternoon of fun together. Dinner in the clubhouse afterwards is a nice way to end the day.
• Take some dance lessons. Dance studios offer individual as well as group classes. You can usually take as few as one lesson or a whole series. Then go out for an evening to practice your new “smooth moves”.

Whatever you decided to do, the most important thing is to do something. Making dating a regular and important part of your relationship can help your marriage stay fresh and your love for each stay strong.

You’ll be glad you did!

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, contact us at (905) 592-1605 or info@h2hliving.ca

Your Marriage Bucket List

SUMMARY: Just because you’ve been married 5 years, 10 years or even several decades, doesn’t mean your relationship can’t benefit from some intentional time and effort invested in recapturing some of the romance you may have lost in the busyness of everyday life. Read today’s post to discover some ideas for rekindling romance, creating some “together” time and enhancing your marriage….

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It’s not too late to recapture that “happily ever after” dream that you shared when you were first married. Couples who actively and deliberately work on keeping their relationship fresh and interesting find greater levels of marital satisfaction with each passing year. Just because you’ve been married 5, 10 or even 50 years doesn’t mean you can’t still woo your sweetheart and make your marriage “hot”.

Here are some ideas to try:

• Go to a ballgame. If you can’t afford major league baseball, check out the local fields in your neighbourhood. Take along some popcorn and drinks, or stop and pick up a hotdog to eat while you cheer on the team.
• Take a road trip. Seek out the most scenic roads in your area and enjoy time together away from all the distractions of everyday life.
• Visit a local pick-your-own farm and enjoy some of the season’s most delicious produce. Snack on some freshly picked fruit and pick enough to enjoy at home later on.
• Watch a solar eclipse. On August 21, 2017, daylight will turn into twilight as the sun disappears behind the moon. Grab a blanket, snuggle up with your sweetie and enjoy your own private viewing party. (Watch the stars. Go to a local park on a clear night, spread a blanket on the ground and snuggle with your sweetie while you enjoy the twinkling array in the night sky.)
• Listen to outdoor music. Many communities across our country offer free live outdoor concerts throughout the summer. This year, especially, there are concerts and music events planned to honour Canada’s 150th so take advantage of what your community offers. Pack a blanket and your favourite snacks to enjoy as you sing along!
• Strengthen and restore your love by attending a Heart to Heart marriage enrichment event. Check out our calendar for upcoming events. We have lots of opportunities to help you strengthen and enrich your relationship - don’t miss out. You’ll be glad you did!

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, contact us at (905) 592-1605 or info@h2hliving.ca

WE’RE ON A MISSION

Posted October 7, 2017

SUMMARY: A mission is defined as an important task or a job that is accompanied by a strong sense of conviction; a pre-established objective or purpose. It implies a sense of being entrusted with something very important. In marriage we have embarked on a mission whether we’re aware of it or not. We have a pre-established objective and should have a strong sense of conviction about it. Read on to find out how you can focus on your marriage mission….

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Mission Impossible was a popular TV show in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Jim Phelps, the protagonist of the show, led a team of spies working for the government. Each episode, Jim was offered a difficult, seemingly impossible mission via a tape recording that self-destructed after he listened to it. Every mission included the words “Your mission, Jim, if you choose to accept it…” The TV program spawned a successful Mission Impossible movie franchise in more recent years. 

In marriage, we’re kind of on a mission as well. We approach the altar or face a justice of the peace on our wedding day and signal to the world that we accept the mission and are willing to see it through. And, on that day, we truly intend to spend our lives together.

Unfortunately a couple may lose sight of the mission they’re on as life gets in the way of the vision they had of marriage when they said their “I do’s”. Jobs demand our time; children arrive, taking all the effort, time and patience we can muster. Bills pile up, the car breaks down and the washer spews soapy water all over the basement floor. In other words, life happens.

In the midst of all of this, we often lash out at the one closest to us, our spouse, and project all of our frustration, anger, and disappointment on them. We may think that the one we married is the source of these negative emotions and we begin to think things like:

    “If only he weren't like that.” 

    “If only she would be more like this.”

    “Why does he do that? “

    “Why won’t she do this?”

The truth is, though, that no marriage is happy, successful and easy all the time. Every couple struggles with some things at some time but how we handle those struggles is what’s most important.

Every couple, either consciously or unconsciously, embarks on some sort of mission when they get married. So let us ask you a question: When you married your spouse, what was your “mission”? Interesting question and maybe you’ve never considered it before. 

Answers to this question may vary; you might say “Our mission was to make each other happy.” Or maybe “Our mission was to spend our entire lives together.” Whatever your answer, it could be that somewhere along the line, you’ve lost sight of the original mission as everyday life moved in, taking over your priorities and your focus.

When we teach marriage seminars, and often when we coach couples, we encourage them to create a Marriage Mission Statement, simply a written declaration of the core purpose and focus of your marriage. It’s a way to verbalize, and keep focussed on, the heart of what your marriage is all about when life’s ups and downs intrude and shift your focus. 

So think about these questions and consider whether a marriage mission statement might be helpful in refocusing your relationship and helping you get back to the core of why you got married in the first place and how you want to proceed together for the rest of your lives:

• What do you want your marriage to be known for?
• What do you hope others will see in your marriage?
• What do you strive together to do or to be?

Here’s our Marriage Mission Statement:

We want our marriage to be known for

faithfulness to God, to each other and to family.

We hope others see our marriage as

a strong bond by which we live out

“in sickness and in health, till death do us part”.

We strive together to invest in other couples

by helping them establish, 

 maintain and restore strong, healthy marriages

and families rooted in God.

Begin to refocus your relationship to align with the mission you accepted on that day you said, “I do”.

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, contact us at (905) 592-1605 or info@h2hliving.ca

APPEARANCE OR SUBSTANCE?

Posted September 1, 2017

SUMMARY: When we get married, we speak words intended to demonstrate our dedication, loyalty, devotion and commitment to each other. However, as the years roll by, we can lose track of these promises and find ourselves going through the motions of commitment as an obligation, not with the sweet joy of love we felt on our wedding day. So what’s the solution? Read this edition of “Cues From The Coaches” to find out.

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Commitment - dedication, loyalty, devotion, allegiance

OR

Commitment - obligation, duty, liability, task.

Commitment can mean many things. We get a new job, sign the employment documents provided by the company and we begin to fulfill our commitment to our employer. As a result of fulfilling this commitment, we are paid a salary or hourly wage commensurate with the job’s requirements and our qualifications.

We volunteer to take on a task to help out a friend, relative or neighbour. Regardless of how unpleasant, inconvenient or difficult the task, we follow through, thereby fulfilling our commitment to them.

On our wedding day, during the ceremony we speak words intended to demonstrate our dedication, loyalty, devotion and allegiance to each other. It used to be “to have and to hold from this day forward” or maybe “in sickness and in health, till death us do part”. Time-honoured words. Words that symbolize our intention to love, honour, respect and maintain commitment with our spouse. 

And we mean it. Because on that beautiful day it’s hard to imagine anything that could spoil the joy, the happiness we feel. 

Oftentimes, couples who show up in our coaching centre looking for help are struggling in their marriage. Difficulties, disagreements and differing agendas have caused them to lose sight of the commitment they made on that wedding day. They forget, or can’t seem to get back to, the devotion and dedication they once had. Now their commitment feels more like obligation, duty, liability and task. They have the appearance of commitment but it seems they’ve lost the substance.

So what’s the solution? How do you “fix” having the appearance but not the substance of commitment?

Simple, really. And yet at the same time, incredibly difficult.

Are you ready for it? Here it is: Find a way to successfully solve problems together.

Together is the operative word here. Finding a way to successfully resolve conflict and solve problems together will strengthen the bond between you. You’ll be able to work through and resolve issues more effectively when you see yourselves as a team tackling the situation together and this means you can settle issues without returning to them again and again. 

Let’s take an example so you can see how powerful this principle can be.

Carmela and Henry both have full-time jobs and have three active growing pre-teens. Carmela is angry with Henry, her husband, because he never helps clean up after dinner.  She cooks the meal, the kids set the table and they all sit down to eat together. But inevitably, once dinner is over,  the kids go off to do their homework and Henry heads for his recliner and the news on TV, leaving her to clear the table, put away the food, do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. Carmela doesn’t tell Henry that she’s angry, frustrated and feeling taken for granted. She just clears the table, puts away the leftovers and slams around the kitchen doing the dishes and cleaning up. She exudes an icy silence for the rest of the evening but Henry never asks her what’s wrong. Eventually Carmela and Henry end up in the coaching centre at Heart to Heart because she “just can’t take it anymore”. And Henry isn’t entirely sure what “it” is.

So what’s the problem? Is it that Carmela hates clearing away and cleaning the kitchen? Maybe. Could it be that Henry is callous and uncaring? Probably not. 

The real issue is that Carmela feels taken for granted, that what she wants or needs doesn’t really matter to Henry. She could tell him she wants help but she feels that would defeat the purpose. She really wants Henry to realize or figure out on his own that she would like his help. She wants him to help because he wants to help her, not because he was told to. 

Carmela can continue to be angry, hurt and frustrated. Henry can continue to be oblivious to how his wife feels. And the problem can continue. Or they can learn how to successfully solve this problem together by taking a few simple steps that, with practice and diligence, will become their new strategy for handling any upset, hurt, disagreement or problem they face for the rest of their lives.

STEP #1:

Carmela must tell Henry she has something she wants to talk to him about. Henry is not a mind reader - no one is!! If she never tells him there’s a problem, he may never realize it.

STEP#2:

Carmela and Henry agree to a day and time to sit together and calmly discuss the problem. Carmela’s role here is to be calm, clear, honest and kind when she presents the issue. Recriminations, angry accusations, finger pointing and name calling will create a whole new set of problems. Henry’s role is to listen with the clear intent of “hearing” his wife’s concern and with his heart and mind set toward finding a mutually satisfactory solution together. 

STEP#3:

Henry and Carmela pray together and ask God to help them in this conversation and then they engage in a give-and-take conversation, the outcome of which is a resolution they both can live with. 

STEP #4:

Both Henry and Carmela follow through on their commitment in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

This whole effort is an exercise in strengthening their commitment to their marriage. They both feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as a result because they’ve taken a situation that had the potential to cause further upset and turned it into a small victory.  They’ve employed a simple strategy designed to strengthen the fact of their commitment, and by utilizing it over and over again in their marriage, their children, having grown up seeing their parents using it, are more likely to harness its power in their own adult lives.

Kind of like Neil Armstrong’s words when he stepped on the moon: One small step for Carmela and Henry, one giant leap for the health of their marriage and their family.

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, contact us at (905) 592-1605 or info@h2hliving.ca

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Posted August 1, 2017

SUMMARY: Being a good communicator takes practice and deliberate attention to the task at hand. We are often completely unaware of the messages we send when we speak to each other. This can have far reaching effects on our marriages. Read on to find out how you can learn to be a good communicator in your marriage.

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Communication can be a tricky thing. Kind of like the kids’ game “Telephone”. Whisper a message into the ear of the person next to you, who whispers it to the person next to them, and so on and so on. By the time the message has been passed around the circle, it has changed in significant ways, often with hilarious results.

Translating from English to a foreign language can often have hilarious, potentially embarrassing results as well. An article entitled “Lost in Translation. Funny True Miscommunication” by Tony J. Hughes on LinkedIn gives the following examples:

• Swedish vacuum-cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American advertising campaign: ‘Nothing sucks like an Electrolux’. 
• In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan: 'Finger-lickin’ good' came out as: 'Eat your fingers off’.
• In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan: ‘Come alive with the Pepsi Generation’ came out as: ‘Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead’.

Hardly the messages these companies wanted to send!

Communication between spouses can be just as difficult. The message we think we’re conveying may not be the message received by the hearer. In fact, there are actually 6 messages in any instance of communication between spouses.

• What you meant to say
• What you actually said
• What your spouse hears
• What your spouse thinks you said
• What your spouse says about what you said
• What you think your spouse said 

Wow! We think you can see why sometimes conversations can run off the rails in a hurry.

So what can we do to ensure that message sent is message received? 

There are courses designed to help couples master effective communication in their relationships. One such course, aptly named “Couple Communication” has couples use cloth floor mats divided into labelled sections. As one spouse listens, the other talks while he/she steps into the section of the mat appropriate to what is being communicated (e.g. wants, needs, feelings etc.). Then they switch roles. The goal is to become more aware of what is really being communicated by both spouses so that they can learn effective communication techniques without the use of the mats.

Being a good communicator takes practice and deliberate attention to the task at hand. We are often completely unaware of the messages we send when we speak to each other. Tone of voice, body language and inflection all can change the “message” of what we have said to our spouse.

There are lots of exercises and techniques that couples can try to help improve their communication. A simple two-step strategy that can help defuse disagreements and lessen misunderstandings when discussing important or serious topics is to repeat back to your spouse what you heard them say and acknowledge their feelings. This technique allows you to clarify content and reflect feelings before you respond. That way you can respond appropriately, sure of the message your spouse is sending. 

Let’s take an example. A wife says to her husband, “It seems you’re always working long hours lately. We never have any time together anymore.” He could instantly take a defensive stance and retort, “Oh yeah? Well I work hard at my job so you can have all the things you want. And we spend time together. We’re together right now, aren’t we?” That kind of response is not likely to have the desired result.

Think about the 6 messages we mentioned earlier. Let’s apply them to this exchange.

What she meant to say was, “I miss you when you work late and I miss having free relaxed time with you.” What she actually said didn’t really sound like that at all. He heard, “Your job is more important than me and I’m angry at you for choosing it over me.” He thinks she means that he is being irresponsible and selfish when it comes to balancing work time with relationship time so he becomes defensive and throws it back at her. She thinks he means that she is demanding and selfish. And it escalates into an argument that leaves them both feeling upset and hurt.

However, if this couple took a step back and deliberately worked at “hearing” each other they would have been able to resolve this easily. In fact, clarifying content and reflecting feelings would have prevented any upset in the first place. And what’s more, even if you don’t get the feelings exactly right, you’ll still end up in a better conversation than you would have otherwise.

So let’s reimagine this scenario, using the “clarify content and reflect feelings” strategy.

She says, “It seems you’re always working long hours lately. We never have any time together anymore.”

He responds, “Are you upset with me because I’ve been working a lot these last few weeks?” (clarifying content)

She says, “No I’m not angry. I know you have a big project that you’re working hard on. I guess I’m missing spending time with you.”

He responds, “Sounds like you’re feeling neglected and wishing we could do something fun together.” (reflecting feelings)

She says, “No, I don’t feel neglected. Guess I’m feeling bored. Can we plan a date night sometime soon?”

The end result is satisfactory to both parties and they’ve learned in the process that dealing with communication in healthy ways can be much more satisfying and productive in the long run.

Like any new skill, this takes practice but every couple can learn how to communicate more effectively and decrease the number of misunderstandings and disagreements by using these two simple techniques: clarifying content and reflecting feelings.

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, contact us at (905) 592 1605 or info@h2hliving.ca

ALWAYS IS NEVER TRUE!

Posted June 30, 2017

ADJUST YOUR FOCUS

Posted May 24, 2017

SUMMARY: Making regular deposits in your savings account for emergencies is a smart way to handle finances. When a conflict arises, positive interactions and sincere appreciation between you is like “money in the bank” for your marriage. It can have an important impact on the way the conversation goes and whether the conflict is resolved. Want to find out why adjusting your focus is such an important conflict resolution skill to develop? Read on to find out…

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As a young teenager, I (Wende) was charged with the care of my two younger sisters while my parents went out for dinner one evening. Wanting to do a good job of my task, I advised my sisters that, if they ate all their dinner we could make some popcorn and watch a movie together before they went to bed. I had already checked the TV listings and found that there was a movie airing at 8 pm that evening. These were in the pre-DVD and OnDemand days of television, so what was being broadcast was what we got.

After supper, my sisters dutifully helped clean up and then got themselves into their pjs, ready to enjoy the movie with me. I made the popcorn, poured us each a glass of KoolAid (we never had pop in our house) and we settled in to watch the black and white movie “Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte” starring Bette Davis.

We watched the movie to its bitter end…and it was terrifying! The story revolves around Charlotte, an elderly spinster whose sanity is slowly disappearing. As a young woman, her would-be husband was brutally murdered, his one hand severed and his body decapitated in the family’s summer house. Charlotte never recovered from the shock of his brutal murder and became a recluse. She is preyed upon by an evil cousin and a local doctor whom she ultimately murders in the final scene of the movie.

Needless to say, this was not the family-friendly movie that my sisters and I had thought we would watch that evening, but we were all riveted to the TV. That night none of us could sleep. The girls refused to go to bed in their own room, so we all huddled, sleepless and terrified in my single bed, staring into the darkness expecting Bette Davis to appear with a hatchet at any moment!

So why would I tell you that story? To illustrate this simple principle: what you focus on expands. The principle was true that night we unwittingly watched a horror movie and couldn’t stop picturing it in our minds when we went to bed and it’s true in various aspects of our lives, including our relationships.

What you focus on expands. Are you angry about something? Focus on the incident that made you angry and your spouse’s behaviour or actions suddenly take on nuances and intentions that may never have been there at all. You’re angry because of what he did or because of what she said.

But wait a minute…are you angry? Or is there a different emotion at work here? Maybe you’re not really angry at all. Maybe you’re hurt more than angry. Or maybe you feel taken for granted. Perhaps the emotion isn’t anger. Perhaps it’s something else.

By focussing on the true underlying emotion of the conflict, you can stop the problem from becoming a barrier to connection and communication. In other words, don’t focus on the action or behaviour; instead focus on the feelings that resulted and then deal with those feelings. 

Hurt feelings can be like a snowball. Remember making snowballs as a kid? You start with a small handful of snow, pack it into a round ball and then start rolling that ball in the snow on the ground, packing it down as you go. The more you roll and pack, roll and pack, the larger that snowball becomes. Pretty soon you’ve got a snowball so large you can no longer roll it on your own; you have to call in the neighbourhood kids to help you roll it further. Same principle applies to hurt feelings. Ignore them and they keep expanding until you’ve got an unmanageable ball of emotions that are not only hard to deal with but may be downright dangerous to your marriage.

Next time you find yourself in a conflict with your spouse, don’t focus on the behaviour or actions of your spouse. Focus on your feelings about the behaviour or actions. And then sit down together for a “meeting” to discuss how you feel. In fact, when you’re struggling in your marriage, if you plan these meetings regularly, say once a week for an hour each time, you’ll soon discover that, by giving space to your relationship in this way, you are thinking of each other more as being on the same team and less as adversaries in a pitched battle for “who’s right” supremacy.

The purpose of the meeting is for both of you to express yourselves, clear the air, give and receive forgiveness and move on. It is not for one of you to beat the other one over the head with incriminations, accusations and ultimatums. The purpose is repair and improvement, not blame and shame. Focus on your own feelings, not the behaviour or actions of your spouse. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way. 

Using these kinds of meetings on a regular basis can help a couple repair the minor issues as well as big ones because you are learning to understand how each other feels. Armed with this understanding, you can then begin to work together to solve problems and move forward together. You’ll find yourselves more mindful of your relationship, more in tune with each and more open to expressing gratitude to each other, even for the minor things. Something as simple as “thanks for making the coffee this morning” or “I appreciate you cooking dinner tonight. It was really good” can go a long way toward improving your marriage. 

It’s like making regular deposits in your savings account for emergencies. When a conflict arises, having good will, positive interactions and sincere appreciation between you can have an important impact on the way the conversation goes and whether the conflict is resolved. 

Like the old song says, 

“You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, 

Latch on to the affirmative, don’t mess with Mr. In Between.”

For more information about pre-marital preparation and marriage coaching, click HERE, or contact us at (905) 592 1605 or info@h2hliving.ca